“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
J.R.R. Tolkien
Hey there! Yeah, you! Nice to chat with you again. Go ahead and grab a cup of whatever makes you feel cozy as we chat a little bit about spirituality.
I have to preface this with two things: 1) this is not a chat about believing as a part of a religion or belief in a god. While I reference religion in the beginning, it is purely my own experience and thoughts to convey my personal journey towards spirituality. If you do believe in a god by all means stay and chat, people of all religious and non religious beliefs are always welcome here. 2) If you’re an atheist you’re probably wondering if you should even read this post, but I urge you to consider it. I myself am an atheist and would just like to share my outlook on spirituality in a safe environment. With that out of the way, let’s talk!
I grew up in a christian family. When I was younger my family tried to go to church every Sunday, as I got older it was on holidays, and then it slowly died out of our family routine. The older I got the harder I found it to believe in a god, and quite frankly, a religion. I just found it difficult to pray to a being that I couldn’t feel was with me, that I couldn’t tell was real. In high school I soon learned that the idea of a higher being such as a god brought peace to people of many religions, but I wasn’t part of those people, and that’s okay!
For the entirety of high school, I didn’t believe in anything. That may sound completely morbid, but let me explain. By the time I was 16 I had experienced a couple near misses with a goodbye to a life in this universe, that is to say, I was extremely mentally ill from middle school into the majority of high school. From depression to anxiety, and PTSD to a panic disorder, I found it hard to have faith in anything in this universe that would allow all of this pain to happen to anyone. And to this day, I don’t.
While I don’t have faith, I have an understanding. It’s an understanding that I, Stan, have a place in this massive universe. It is an understanding that I may not have someone or something protecting me, but through spirituality, I strongly believe there is a guide with me. A guide, to me, is an energy that wants the best for me and is trying to ‘guide’ me to that best life, instead of protecting me. That sounds a little cheesy, I know, but it’s the fact that I finally believe in something and that I’m not alone. I consider this a belief in the universe, and that while I have HATED it for so long, I am working towards accepting it and letting it slowly show me who I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be working towards.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am an atheist. But I am a believer. If you’re still confused on how I separate religion and spirituality, let me try to explain. I don’t believe in a higher being, or a set of higher beings. I believe in the power of us and our universe. I believe in my soul to protect me as I nurture it to grow with me to create the best version of myself, so that I can put that love and care back into the universe, may it be my life, helping those around me, or simply accepting what I am going through. Believing to me means finally being, or working towards being, at peace with my demons.
Now I hope all of that makes sense, and if you’re still with me, I’d like to share how I got here. Picture it: January 1st, 2022. I am sitting down at my laptop and log onto twitch to watch a stream by a creator who does live tarot readings. Now, I am sure there are some skeptics out there, but let me explain my story. It was my first stream so I had no idea what I was getting into. There was a general reading going on about something to do with relationships, if I’m honest I have no idea. But, I remember feeling a connection to the reading and the cards. I also remember feeling a presence I had NEVER felt before. There was some kind of…spirit if you will…sitting with me. And I know this because I could not stop smiling throughout the entire stream. Now, I don’t mean I was super happy and smiley, I mean I couldn’t stop. There was a presence. It followed through the rest of the weekend and helped me through my next couple days of work. I know this because I felt guided through the negative, anxious moments that so easily complicate my life. I remember telling my parents about it and my dad saying something to the degree of: “it’s an energy right? Something or someone’s out there.” And just like that, I finally got it.
Since then, I have been trying to grow in this spiritual connection I have gained to better myself and my life. I am well aware this may sound like bullshit to someone out there, but I thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. It was a pleasure 🙂
Until we meet again,
Stan (they/them/theirs)
Long Drives in the Dark 