Phone Notifications and Mountains

The days when going through notifications on my phone takes a lot of effort are the ones that I know are going to be bad. When the simple thought of responding to a text seems exhausting and impossible, I find it hard to get out of bed, hard to eat, and hard to be around people. They are the days that I have to force myself to drink water and take my meds. You see, it’s so easy not to do things. Why is that? I’m genuinely asking because I have no idea. I broke my journal one day. I mean I literally cracked the binding because of how many feelings I was holding on to. On days like that I like to listen to poetry on repeat. For some reason it calms me even if it’s in the background while I clean my room, or write, or read. I texted my best friend and just gushed about my life. It had been a while since we had talked and it felt kinda good. I hope you have someone like that. If you don’t, you have me. You are never alone. 

There’s this poem that a friend of mine sent me when I was at work, and after I got off I read it. I was in my family’s old car and I started sobbing. The truth of the matter was, I really felt that poem. It was what I needed. The poem is The Mountain by Laura Ding-Edwards:

If the mountain seems too big today

then climb a hill instead

if the morning brings you sadness

it’s ok to stay in bed

If the day ahead weighs heavy

and your plans feel like a curse

there’s no shame in rearranging

don’t make yourself feel worse

If a shower stings like needles

and a bath feels like you’ll drown

if you haven’t washed your hair for days

don’t throw away your crown

A day is not a lifetime

a rest is not defeat

don’t think of it as failure

just a quiet, kind retreat

It’s ok to take a moment

from an anxious, fractured mind

the world will not stop turning

while you get realigned

The mountain will still be there

when you want to try again

you can climb it in your own time

just love yourself til then

Laura Ding-Edwards

Minute by Minute (1)

This friend and I became really close after that. An age gap was all that separated us. We are so like-minded and connect on a deeper level than most and she’s become one of my best friends. She told me one day that when things get hard, take it day by day and when it’s harder than that, minute by minute. That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

Similarly, whenever I get stomach sick, as in throwing up, I tell myself second by second. Okay, it’s been another second since I’ve thrown up, and now one more, and here’s another. It’s a comfort thing to get through hard times.

We take strides in our own time. 

Ways to help a someone on a bad mental health day:

You know when you get so low, numb, sad, anxious, and filled with panic? If not, this is not going to make that much sense at all. I find it so hard to control the ups and downs. The mania of panic that my anxiety gives me makes me scrub the kitchen counter tops until they gleam, wash all of the dishes, deep clean all of the rooms in my apartment, and buy way too much at target. After that, the sadness consumes me. It’s hard to get out of bed and do the most mundane tasks. I ask to be alone but hope no one lets me be alone. I wish someone would come over and sit with me. We don’t have to talk at all. They’ll ask me if I’m hungry, they’ll order food anyway and pack it in the fridge for me if I do not eat it. And when I feel like talking or crying or screaming, they’ll be there, and when I am okay again, they will go back to their place, and everything will be okay.

Vibes and Wavelengths

One of my inspirations is my old coworker Jackie. I like to think that our friendship is strong because we are vibing at the same frequency. Kalyn Nicholson has a podcast on the topic of raising our vibrations, and it’s where I drew these ideas from. Jackie and I, although separated by a good chunk of years, have the same level of thinking. We’ve both had experiences that we can share, and that’s the vibes part. We all produce a certain wavelength. Someone’s vibration can, in some ways, be seen as their state of being, the atmosphere they create, or the energy they give off. Jackie and I both have a similar state of being. We’re both incredibly strong willed, and don’t take anyone’s shit. Jackie gives off this excited, out-there energy and as different as that is from me on the outside, it’s how I act on the inside and how I appear to my good friends. When we were coworkers and I had just met her, I was overwhelmed by basically everything about her, but I grew a little and soon learned that we are no different. She wears her heart on her sleeve a little differently than I do, and I think that’s beautiful. The fact that two different people from two different backgrounds with two completely different stories, can come together with a few similarities and create a bond carried on through weekly check-ins is simply amazing. I love you Jackie.

And here comes the end of this three part saga for now. I am sure I will be adding more to this collection of stories, but for now this is all I have to say. I hope that you enjoyed seeing a little more into my mind and liked a slightly more positive post compared to the last part.

Until we meet again,

Stan (they/them/theirs)