“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.“
Theodore Roosevelt
Hello there! Life has definitely been hitting me in the face recently, and I figured that now is a good time to check in with myself and talk about some things going on in my life right now.
There have been some days recently where I have felt like it was a struggle to do normal and basic things. I’ve been feeling stuck. Stuck meaning sad, distracted, unmotivated, and incredibly emotional. This past Sunday I felt bad all day, it just seemed like a weird day -the weather strangely reminded me of halloween, and there was an unsettling stillness that seemed to settle on my neighborhood.
It just so happened that my best friend came by on her way home that day, and we sat outside six feet apart to just talk about everything. I mean all the things that we haven’t been able to tell each other for a year. That got me a little sad. I mean she is the only person my age that I have stayed friends with throughout high school. We refused to grow apart, and there were some things that we so desperately wished to do in our last year of living in the suburb we grew up in. We talked about movies, covid, the unfairness of our high school’s attitude towards the arts department, the gloominess of recent days, and so much more. She is one of the people that you can reconnect with immediately after time apart. We just picked up where we left off one year ago, and it was some much needed serotonin for me.
My emotions have been a rollercoaster. I mean one minute I am crying and the next I am laughing and smiling only to break down into tears again 30 seconds later. I am exhausted. My body does not know how to regulate my emotional mind, my depressed mood, and the fight response I’ve made friends with over the past two months. It feels like there is too little and too much going on at the same time.
Almost every day this past week I have woken up relatively early and gotten ready with high energy only to crash a couple of hours later and tumble into an uneasy environment within my brain. This place I have landed on is not friendly. This place is holding onto me, taking away my appetite, and telling me to be ashamed. But I refuse to let it tell me that I am not enough, or that I am weak, or not beautiful how I am. I am doing the best I can with what I have, and that has become enough for me. They say “grow through what you go through,” and as cliché as it sounds, it’s kinda true.
One of the days this past week I went to the mall for the sole reason of getting some much needed shoes for work, and found myself in the mens section of a clothing store. I say this because I found some of the most comfortable clothes I have ever bought, and I can’t help but think about how sexist the clothes we wear have gotten. Who is to say what someone should wear based on their gender? Why do we have sections dictated by the appearance of our bodies? We were born into a fractured society that just keeps on breaking further and further until it gets patched up into the exact same shape that it has always been. The progress we have made is not enough, and I keep asking myself, how long will it take to create healthy environments for everybody?
I’ve found myself wishing for a different way to look at my life. I have spent so long seeing what I feel like I am supposed too, and I’m ready for that to not be the case. We are all beautiful, and yet I look around at the world we live in and I see people talking down to themselves and asking the internet what they should do next to fit the mold that we are taught to form our lives around. How upsetting is that? The fact that we feel scared and shameful of living the life we want, saying what we feel, and accepting others for doing the same. I’ve found myself following the content of other writers and creators that make me feel better, that gives me some motivation and inspiration because I don’t see it coming from anywhere else. Maybe I am not looking hard enough, but at least I can say that it is possible to find safe spaces for ourselves to connect and thrive in.
“Don’t say you didn’t try. Remember: you did the best you could in the situation you were in with the materials you had”
Blythe Baird
Enjoy some photos from a shoot done in a snow covered forest…
Love,
Stan
Long Drives in the Dark 