From an Instagram post…
“Friend, today is a good day to forgive yourself for everything, most especially the thread you could not convince to close your wounds. If your wounds are still open, trust they are doors to an answer and walk through. You don’t have to be healed to be whole. You don’t have to know where you’re going to stop doubting what you’re made of. I am made of a handful of borrowed buttons and one lost and fuzzy sock. Pull the string on my back and I’ll say I LOVE YOU and mean it whenever you want.”
by Andrea Gibson
This week I felt all the highs, the lows, and the panic. With that, hello! I hope you had a great week!
On the days that I felt suffocated this week, I texted my childhood best friend for the first time in a while, planned for a trip, and wrote. Sometimes feelings just pour out of me when I sit down at my computer, and it’s a way to feel productive. Speaking of productivity, I am one class closer to graduating! I am incredibly excited about this.
I finally got a package in the mail that I had been waiting for since December. It is a wooden keychain with “Stan” burned into one side, and “Becoming is better than being.” on the other side. I quite frankly love it and can’t wait to put my future apartment key on it. I can not wait to live with Hannah in the city I love and go to the only school I have ever wanted to.
Being depressed and anxious isn’t fun. Blythe Baird says in a poem that “…when recovery is not all yoga mats and tea and avocados, it is work…” and I definitely feel that. Learning to live with these parts of yourself that you constantly wish would go away is hard. It takes a lot of effort to tell your demons to leave you alone. It also takes a lot of effort to stop being the villain in your own story. I was free writing this collection of stories about my life this week when I started writing about the fictional stories that I read as a kid, and how the main character goes on a quest or an adventure. They defeat the bad guy or overcome an obstacle to become the hero. That sounds so magical, like if you could do that and succeed you would matter and be healed. The honest truth is: life is not a fairytale. Sometimes you have to fight and kick and scream your way through, and that fucking sucks. But it’s possible, and that’s what I’ve had to remind myself of this week.
Through these past two weeks of quarantining and isolating, there have been some pretty amazing people that have helped keep my spirits up, and I appreciate them so much. My uncle sent me a text one day this past week. It said,
“You may not always see it gazing back at you in a mirror, but I always see an impressive young woman who’s unflinching in her quest for growth and learning.”
I simply can not put into words how much that means to me. You see, it’s one thing to believe you have grown and become stronger and happier, but it’s another to have someone else say it, the fact that they noticed and wanted to tell you. So a sincere thank you to my uncle for all of the kind words he has sent me these past two weeks. The hand that was extended towards me helped me steady myself so that I can go back into the outside world this week with a sense of hope and belonging.
And to anyone out there who feels suffocated by their own demons, that need a hand to help them stand: there is always someone in your life who can listen. Sometimes that’s all we need, to just know that someone is out there. In the case that you find yourself without this, I ask you to look again, for if you have found this page, you have my ears if you lend me your voice. You have my extended arms, reaching towards the endless sky in the hopes of bringing a smile to your face if you should choose it.
Wishing you all good health and justice,
Stan
Long Drives in the Dark 