From “a plain truth”
“On the days I wake up and my name is a euphemism for depressed, or anxious, or whatever; I drink my coffee while the inanimate objects in my apartment talk to me.”
by Sabrina Benaim
Hello all, I hope this week has treated you well. In an overview, it seems my entire life was flipped on its side this past week. There were a lot of things I had planned to start and complete that I fell short on for three reasons: I tested positive for covid, my anxiety is going unchecked, and the fact that school is kicking my ass.
I tested positive for covid at the beginning of this week and have had to quarantine and isolate from the rest of my household. By now it’s starting to feel pretty lonely. There’s pockets of time where I get really sad, and feel alone and scared, but I feel lucky nonetheless to be having mild symptoms so far (knock on wood.) I have been in my room watching Friends for the past week and have been unable to focus on the online school work I should be able to complete right now. It’s like the simple task of watching a movie for my film class is hard when it shouldn’t be.
I feel frustrated.
I get anxious when I get lonely. And I get lonely when I get anxious. Which is to say I think either my anxiety is amplifying the loneliness, or the loneliness is amplifying my anxiety. It’s honestly hard to tell right now. It’s like a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to get out of. There is a lot of pain rooted inside me right now. I feel alone when others check up on me, but scared of being anxiously lonely once the conversation ends. It’s an endless nightmare, and I hope that makes sense to someone who does not share my brain.
I’ve been listening to a lot of music and poetry -big surprise I know, and so far have journaled every day of 2021 up to this point. I’m kinda proud of that, even though it translates into being in pain and feeling the need to put it into words. All of this has reminded me that we are not invincible.
I am looking forward to living with Hannah, graduating, going to college, living in the city I love, going to coffee shops with friends, seeing my friends again, road trips, camping, hiking, trying to catch my breath because of how hard I am laughing, becoming a writer, getting healthy, and long drives in the dark.
Wishing you all good health and justice,
Stan
Long Drives in the Dark 