Minute by Minute

Some advice written to a friend…

“We take strides in our own time.”

…that I said, and am now thinking about.

Hello, I hope the new year is treating you all well. I am honestly at a loss for words surrounding…basically everything.

It is my hope that this new year is going to bring a new start, but I know that the struggles I had on December 31, 2020 are still here come January 1, 2021.

I was talking with a friend of mine and said the sentence quoted above after she had told me weeks ago that when things get hard, take it day by day, and when it’s harder than that, minute by minute. With that fresh in my mind I told her this and she responded with praise about me being wise beyond my years. I don’t know if it’s really that wise, but it’s made me think since then. Our strides don’t have to be big, and they don’t have to happen within a set amount of time. The tiniest stride you make today may be the biggest one someone else can do on that same day. Yesterday, getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and getting in my car were the biggest strides I could take. Last week, the biggest stride I took was compulsively cleaning because it was the only thing to make the panic of my anxiety subside. Today, it is writing this. It is looking at my journal entries from the past week and attempting to understand my own mind. It is working on slowing down my thoughts. It is eating even though I have no appetite. It is lighting a candle. It is cleaning my room and making my bed.

Sabrina Benaim has a poem called “Explaining my depression to my mother: a conversation” and in that poem she compares anxiety to a cousin from out of town that depression feels obligated to bring to a party, and that the party is her. I really felt that this week.

I have a poem I wrote this past week that I would really like to share. It’s honest and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, but I find myself being reminded that I promised no bullshit on here. And I want to honor that promise. So, I hope to film a proper video with an audio to do it justice to upload next week. However, if that does not end up happening, if my depression seeps back in and gets the best of me, if panic comes knocking on my door again and I unknowingly let it in, I will continue to be honest and take that stride in my own time, minute by minute.

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Wishing you all good health and justice,

Stan