“we feel too violently”

I thought maybe it was money that separated us.
“No,” Cherry said slowly when I said this. “It’s not just money. Part of it is, but not all. You greasers have a different set of values. You’re more emotional. We’re sophisticated–cool to the point of not feeling anything. Nothing is real with us. . .”
“That’s why we’re separated,” I said. “It’s not money, it’s feeling–you don’t feel anything and we feel too violently.”
From THe OUtsiders by S. E. Hinton

Panic attacks suck, especially those that happen at work.

There are the bad days, where nothing goes your way and you feel every emotion that has ever existed, and they sit right in between the good days, and I get stuck there sometimes.

There were some tough things that happened this week.

I was over at a friend’s house someday last week and we were watching a movie. It was great. But you know when your room isn’t clean? And you can’t focus on anything else because god damit you didn’t fold your laundry or make your bed? Maybe that’s just me, but yeah, that’s what happened. I had a good time, but I wasn’t really there. My mind was so preoccupied that I couldn’t enjoy my day off with my friend. That was frustrating this week.

I have been looking for a new job for a little bit now for various reasons, and am happy to finally be able to say I have found one that I am beyond excited to start at. I think this new job is exactly what I need right now, and it’s making me really happy to get the chance to work in a flexible, positive, and safe environment for the second job in a row. It’s a job at the Starbucks I’ve been going to for a little over a year, and I became a regular at this past spring. When my future coworkers found out that I was going to work there I got so many positive and exciting comments when I came in for my daily matcha. Those comments made me so happy. I am very much looking forward to this change in my life.

Three days off after four tough days at work feels pretty damn good right about now. This job I have now, I’m happy that I have it, and am beyond grateful for my coworkers and the experience I have gained. However, it seems like everyday I work is a bad day. I know there are a variety of reasons for this, and my anxiety and depression are two of them. I know this is a problem that won’t be fixed by starting at Starbucks, but I feel like with this small change I’ll enjoy coming into work a little more like I used too.

I’m longing for that perfect moment. That moment where you’re in the perfect outfit at the perfect time, with the perfect people and just the right emotion. Sometimes it just feels so jumbled up, like there’s too much happening and all I can think about is a pinpoint of what I wish my life was looking like at that moment, but it’s not the reality. I don’t want to be exhausted. I don’t want to feel like all of my energy is wasted. Last week I stared at a blank powerpoint presentation for just about four hours because I couldn’t get myself to do it. I feel like a mess, drinking energy drinks as soon as I get off work to be able to finish all of the homework I couldn’t focus on during the day. But even then it doesn’t all get finished. I take more medications at more times a day than I care to, all to maintain this personality that is neither here nor there, I’m just floating, a half-person sitting right at the heart of everything. How confusing is it to wish I was feeling and yet at the same time feeling everything too deeply?

All in all, this week feels like a jumble of thoughts, feelings, and actions. Hopefully this post comes across as a half organized piece of writing, but for now, whatever it is, it’s the reality.

On a positive note, I got my senior pictures this week. Here are a few of my favorites…