Allow Yourself to Feel Today

This Is Not the End of the World from Our Numbered Days

“whatever you are feeling right now, there is a mathematical certainty that someone is feeling that exact thing. This is not to say you aren’t special. This is to say thank god you aren’t special.”

– Neil Hilborn

Hello, I hope you’re doing well today. I personally have not been having the best luck this past week.

There’s so much that’s been on my mind lately, but I don’t know how to put it into words. Between work, school, and my depression/anxiety, I have been struggling. I feel incredibly stressed out and just in a depressed mood. The past few days I haven’t had any motivation at all. Getting up for classes is no longer happening, don’t get me wrong, I’m logging on, but I can’t get myself out of bed and sit down at my desk before 11:30 most days. Even then, I can’t seem to get done what I desperately need to. I’ve transitioned from panic attacks to depressive moods for an extended period of time. I just feel like screaming and punching something, but I can’t. I think the quote above pretty much sums up what feelings I have. There’s someone else somewhere who is feeling the same as me, thank god I’m not special.

I don’t even have anything creative to say, or anything super uplifting. I’m simply existing, and it’s hard. I have been extremely frustrated, with both myself and what I need to accomplish. My classes seem to be even more demanding than normal. Talking about it does help, but it’s hard. I’m just trying to be as honest as I can.

I woke up one morning to the barren trees outside my window, and felt infinitely more small and lonely.

After three hard days at work, I feel defeated. There’s a lot I want to say, but I don’t know how. Last night I found myself crying to poetry after someone I admire sent me a beautiful collection of words. I feel frustrated and anxious, sad and unmotivated. That same person reminded me to take time to nurture myself and not be afraid to feel in order to heal. In the moment I glazed over the words, but now, it means a lot. I’m not saying I feel perfect, I’m saying I’m going to continue to try. Thank you Jackie.

I don’t know if writing this down helped, but at least I did something today. To lift the mood slightly, here are some fall pictures I haven’t posted yet.

I’m going to try to go into this coming week with some positivity. I know it won’t be easy, and all I can do is try. I hope you have a great week, and hope to talk with you again soon.

Wishing you all good health and justice,

Stan