“Pack yourself a toothbrush dear
Pack yourself a favorite blouse
Take a withdrawal slip
Take all of your savings out
‘Cause if we don’t leave this town
We might never make it out
I was not born to drown
Baby come on”
–Sleep on the Floor by The Lumineers
Hello again! It’s been a while I suppose. To be honest I haven’t really known what to write about for the past two months, and I still don’t know what to write about. These past two months have been a whirlwind of stuff happening. Some of it was good and some not so good. Reflection has been something I’ve been doing recently; looking into who I am and what makes up my life. I took a week off of work to go on vacation with my family and Hannah, and it proved to be a wild ride. Day trips to trails through woods to waterfalls and the occasional wrong turn down some below average dirt roads, of course the two hour wait for someone to come unlock the car after locking the keys inside, but in the end it was a very memorable trip and was worth the rough moments.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain lately. It’s been mainly physical due to what my doctor thinks is a disc putting pressure on a nerve in my back. It’s caused me to have to take a step back from my everyday life. I’m limited now. Being resigned to working counter and phones at work, barely getting enough sleep to get by, and the uncertainty of not knowing when the pain will end have put a damper on my mood and my summer. I was hoping to work as many shifts as I could this summer, getting some extra money to be able to do all of the things I was hoping to this summer and over the course of the next year. I feel small, unable to do mundane things like laundry and spend a lazy day with Hannah due to the pain. I can’t wait to get back to being able to do the things I love: bike rides for example. A lack of motivation has followed recently due to all of this and some days are hard to get through. I recently learned that pain can cause anxiety. This paticualrly sucks as I already have anxiety so this pain is only increasing it, causing the nights to be even harder.
Today is the first day in a while that I’ve taken the time to just take care of myself. To just focus on getting my shit together. I did the dishes, cleaned and organized my room, redecorated, and unpacked. I finally found time to journal which felt really good, it’s been a little bit since I’ve actually sat down with my feelings and taken a moment to listen to my brain. I didn’t get to my summer class load, but that’s okay. Baby steps.
It seems I always find a way to talk about music, so here we go. I’ve been listening to Hamilton a lot lately and I am shocked not only at how amazing it is, but how much the events happening across the country today can be reflected in this musical. From fighting for equality to dealing with an oppresive government, the world is still a scary place. We need change and we need it now. In other news, I fell in love with an old playlist of mine, I must’ve made it two years ago by now and it reminds me of summer nights. Sitting on the beach, watching the sunset as a soft breeze surrounds you in just the right way. You know those nights where you’re sitting down with somebody you love, just soaking up the moments you share together? I was driving home from work last night and I started thinking, when did I fall so deeply in love with my best friend. How lucky am I? To be able to share my life with someone as incredible as her. There are times when I wish I could run away with the person I am lucky enough to call mine. Just get in my car and drive, not caring that we don’t have a plan, and understanding that in itself, that is the most perfect plan one could hope for.
Wishing you all good health and justice,
Stan
(P.S. Wear a mask please and thank you.)
Long Drives in the Dark 