Moving Forward

“You are worth so much more than sent emails and crossed off to-do lists. You should find victory in the small things: the folded laundry, the clean plate, the answered phone call, the brushed teeth. You used to say you were ‘sorry’ every other sentence.” —Guilt Doesn’t Live Here by Blythe Baird—

The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind. Between working roughly 40 hours and actually getting school work done I think I finally have a relatively healthy routine in place. The past couple of days I have definetly crawled back into the dark cove of my bed though and spent a lot of time watching netflix, but I am still working on it.

I’m scared. I don’t quite know what about yet, but I have that feeling. Like I know things have been too good for too long and it’s bound to splatter back into my face like a paintbrush onto a canvas. I know that’s probably just mind over matter, things really will all work out okay and I know that. I’m just scared of what’s to come. With everything being uncertain I feel like we all need to see a little more humanity, or at least I do. I was out on a bike ride with Hannah one day after working a day shift and we were jamming out to Dear Evan Hansen, the musical, and I looked around at all of the people in the surrounding neighborhoods. Everyone was out and about and it was honestly kind of refreshing to see people just being genuine people.

I feel like I want to just be genuinely free in this life. I want to be able to do that thing I’ve always wanted to do and drive to that place I’ve always wanted to go. I want to be free just enough that I’m not confined to one place, but I still have someplace to go where I feel grounded and safe. With the current state of things it feels like I’m never going to get to that place, but I think I’m trying to stay hopeful.

To be honest, this post was put together over the course of three weeks. Several different puzzle pieces were put together to make up this semi-organized piece of writing. To end this jumble of mismatched puzzle pieces resembling the sky, I have a journal entry. Scribled in a new leather journal, the pages smelling of leather, and the binding sturdy, it is honest about how I feel at this moment in time. I know that’s enough for me, and I’m hoping it’s okay to assume it’s enough for you as well as we all move forward.

Wishing you all the best

Stan