Things I Learned in the ER

This week was tough. A lot of things happened and I’m honestly not sure what to say. I’ve been working a lot recently and I know I’m very fortunate to still have a job right now, and even though I don’t believe in a god, I feel blessed in a way. There was one night after a 10 hour shift when I remembered why I am alive. I simply felt joy and happiness, which is something I feel like has been missing since that night.

While I did feel that way that one night, I have not felt that way the entire week and I’m not going to pretend I did. I re-visited a specific old journal from last year this week. It was around 1 AM and I was reading some old journal entries. Among them were some poems. I read some to Hannah before I got overwhelmed- they were from the darkest part of my life to date. On March 25 of last year, I spent a night in the ER. All the pain and sadness had finally echoed around in my head enough that I spoke up about it. To this day I do not know whether I am proud of telling that therapist or ashamed, and to this day I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t. I don’t remember much from last year, but I do know that I have come so far from that. I am 10 months clean and every day- while I may not realize it- I am making progress.

Looking back on that journal, I found one poem I had written that stood out to me in a particular way. The scribbled, messy, and unorganized ink staring at me from the pages brought nostalgia in the most unprecedented ways. Part of me is surprised I had the courage to put it down on paper. It is titled “Things I Learned in the ER” and it contains 20 semi-formed thoughts on my night spent at the hospital as a teen suicide patient. Part of me is so scared to say that, knowing it will cast shadows of stereotypes around me. The main thing is this: I don’t want to be judged on who I was. I want to be seen for who I am now; this person of personal growth and someone who has strength within themself because of what they went through. “Your wound is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility,” -JetpackJay (YouTube). It’s not my fault that I went through what I did- there were many factors that led up to that experience and the months after it. At the same time, choosing to heal and get better was my responsibility and over time I took it upon myself to take that next step: to try and get better.

So, I am going to open up a bit and become vulnerable about that experience, sharing that poem with you today. While I feel it is better spoken aloud as slam poetry is meant to be, I am only going to share the journal pages with you today because I do, indeed, lack the energy to create a video, and I think that’s okay. When reading, I advise you to state the numbers aloud as they are important in the telling of this story and the incompleteness of some thoughts. I am opening up about my experiences and that’s something I feel I should be proud about.

Wishing you all the best.

Stan