As I Walk

A project I’ve been working on roughly for the last three weeks is a video from my perspective titled “As I Walk.” While being confined to my house with my family and my girlfriend, one of the only ways I get to go outside is for personal exercise, so I have walked. A lot. Some ventures outside my house were alone and some were in the good company of my girlfriend, Hannah. Walks in the rain have to be one of my favorite discoveries as of right now. Not only that, but the sound of tenis shoes in a dryer is one I can only associate with pure happieness and a good time.

A memory that came back to me in the past few days was one of riding my bike in the rain with my family along belle isle. It was pouring as we were frantically pedaling back towards the car, laughs echoing from our lips as thunder rumbled in the distance. As I walked in the rain and through the puddles these past few weeks, my feet chilled and soaked, I was given at least a little bit of peace.

My journal has been filled with a lot of poetry this week. It’s mainly stuff I’ve found on YouTube and have fallen in love with. Guilt Doesn’t Live Here Anymore by Blythe Baird and Living Proof by Andrea Gibson are some of my favorites. Sometimes I look back on when I wrote a few poems and reread them. Maybe one day I’ll share them with the world, but not today.

I rewatched a movie called Remember Me this week and the opening line is one that I love, “Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will.” I often feel like the things I do are indeed insignificant, and I’m okay with that. I don’t need to do something great or be remembered in history, I just need to be sure that I was myself and I helped as many people as I could. And that’s important because no one else will do that. “No one can tell that your not doing well but you. No one can tell you you’re not the shit but you.” Is another quote from yet another poem, Mental Health Barz by Ebony Stuart. This has been in the back of my mind recently as I struggle with being with myself. This week though I took just a couple of steps forward, from talking with my school counselor over the phone to setting up appointments with my therapist and doctor. I believe it was some forward progress and at this point I’ll take anything.

Another quote I’m quite fond of is from a song by Julien Baker, an amazing artist, who sings from the heart.

“There’s a hole in the drywall, still not fixed
‘Cause I just haven’t gotten around to it
And besides, I’m starting to get used to the gaps

When I turn out the lights
When I turn out the lights
There’s no one left
Between myself and me.”

I find this to be so true. At the end of the day it is just you and yourself and there’s definitely a learning curve to taking care of yourself and accepting yourself on the bad days and congratulating yourself on the good ones. I’ve been getting more shifts at work recently and it’s making for a much more structured day. I think in the coming weeks that will become a routine and make doing my online schooling that much easier to stick to and create motivation for myself to keep going in spite of everything in my mind telling me not too. Sometimes you just have to ignore your brain and that’s okay.

Anyway, here’s the link to my video titled As I Walk. I hope it brings some entertainment to you in these times.

Wishing you all the best

Stan