So the past week has been an interesting one. Journal pages have been filled to the brim with sadness and rage, old converse soaked from walking miles in the rain, and earbuds broken and worn from frequent listening. This week has tested my strength and I predict myself along with the rest of the world will continue to be tested in the coming weeks and months.
I have found it hard to believe in anything, much less myself lately. The dirty claws of darkness and addiction seem to be coming from all directions, trying, prying to get into my life. At first when I sat down to write this post I didn’t want to write about the bad things, but then I remembered my promise to myself and you; this is a place of honesty. I don’t want to create a fabricated version of myself and say it’s how I’m doing. If I’m not doing good I might as well be honest about it. “Secrets make you sick.” Is a quote from the movie, To Write Love On Her Arms and I find it a pretty good one to stick by at the moment. So, I’m going to be honest.
My bullet journal has had some darker pages recently, and quite frankly a lot of Fucks. Between lyric pages, scarwled out journal entries, and inaccurate to do lists, it’s been a mess. The lack of motivation, inability to do school work, crappy eating habits, and 12 hours of sleep followed by 12 hours awake have created an unhealthy lifestyle for me recently. My days have been filled with long walks in the rain, a bike ride if I’m lucky, snacking, and a ton of Netflix. While there are indeed worse things than being quarentined with my girlfriend, it doesn’t solve all of my issues. Thoughts I had once thought banished to the depths of my brain have resurfaced and my battles seem to be far from over. From depression to anxiety to addiction, it’s a handful of no good to deal with.
One good thing appears to be having found my new laptop screensaver, the photo above. With not much to believe in, I find comfort in the idea of believing in art. Art is neither good nor bad, it simply exists. I think that’s beautiful. It gives me at least something to hold onto when everything else seems to fail. Another good thing is the honesty that I share with my girlfriend. I cherish that everyday. When one of us isn’t doing well, we share and we know that there may be no immediate answers but at least we can still say we have each other. My third good thing this week, and possibly the strongest thing combating the bad, is slam poetry. I stumbled across some poems I hadn’t heard in a long time by Shane Koyczan. He is simply an incredible writer. I mean the things he can do with his words is what I can only dream of being able to do with mine. One particular poem that I fell back in love with was Instructions For A Bad Day. The full poem and a video can be found here, and the full transcript can be found here. The excerpt below is one of my favorite combination of lines from that poem. So, on a slightly upbeat note, I’ll leave you with this.
“There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is alright when it clearly is not. Check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end.”
Wishing you all the best
Stan
Long Drives in the Dark 