Life has been rough recently. From COVID-19 to personal struggles, school closings, and work, things have been very stressfull.
I have recently discovered a new coffee shop in my home town. From the wood on the floor to the old table tops and counters, it’s a beautiful environment. The teas are amazing and the staff reaffirms my faith in humanity. It’s really nice in a time like this to come by genuine people. At the starbucks I go to daily, nearly the whole staff recognizes me and it’s comforting in a way. I have no clue if that makes sense, hell, I have no clue if anything I put on here makes sense. All I know is we have to hold onto what we know to be true.
Most of the things I was looking forward to in the coming months have been canceled or postponed. From band events to a Europe trip, a lot of possible good moments are no more. With the closure of resturants, bars, coffee shops, and more it has become more and more aparent to me how dependent we are on eachother. With a lack of human interaction comes a sense of insanity. I feel as if all I can say and do is hope for the best and keep going with my days as normally as possible while understanding that nothing is normal at all.
One thing I have done in the past couple of days is realize how much I love the person I feel so incredibly fortunate to call mine. She is my home, my center, the person who grounds me and reminds me of who I am. She is my hope when I am hopeless, the reason I am the way I am, and the reason I stay. We’ve been driving a lot together recently as a way to get away from everything. If only it were that easy right? Getting lost on dirt roads in towns with two gas pumps has to be one of my favorite things to do with my favorite person. While sometimes I feel like I want to stay lost on those roads, just keep going on M-53 until the road dead ends, she reminds me of the rest of my life. While I want to be free and make my only home my car, I can’t. I have to come home, go to work, school, and everything else I have commited to unknowingly. What I suppose I can do to fill that hole is exactly what I have been doing, making a home within myself and my car. Whether it be on the road or in a parking lot doing homework, at least I know I can count on myself. With all of the uncertainty today I think it’s important to be able to do that. There was a time in my life where I couldn’t trust myself and I think I am still trying to build that trust and break the barrier I put up to prevent me from putting myself in a difficult position. I was reminded recently that the trust you build with yourself has to be as strong as your love. With no trust in yourself and your actions, it’s impossible to rebound from anything. I wish I can say I am more than a work in progress but I think that would not only be a lie, but a broken contract with myself. We are all works in progress, some of us are just second drafts.
Wishing you all the best,
Stan
Long Drives in the Dark 